days in the life of a self inserting author who hates the 4rth wall
by redDaeth
Summary: i got bored and this is what seri gave me so yea heres a bunch of random stories
1. Chapter 1

disclaimer: yeah i don't own hellsing but i can wish

a/n this is something i thought of to help with my rping AND well its fun to break the fourth wall.

Death looks dwon at the tablet computer in his hands ok lets see humm appearance maroon fedora,dark green turtle neck, red trench coat, camo bdu pants in flectarn style pattern, scruffy 4 inch beard shoulder length black hair, tactical vest with ceramic and titanium inserts and coat hs Kevlar lining and all clothes are coated in a flame retardant material check...  
Place... A large office/studio complex think an apartment building crossed with a hospital and a hotel and each room is either crazy or a set from a tv show.  
Main room: Daeth sits behind a rosewood desk with a couch diagnal to it a set of cameras in front of both the desk and couches.

"HUm should i bring cor in ...Na i'll do that later."  
"Ok," looks down at his list of victi-um potential interviewees and randomly shuffles his cue cards picks one from the deck " today's guest is Lt. rip van winkle of the millennium organization!?" with this he snaps his right thumb and middle finger and 1st Lt.. Rip van Winkle of Millennium appears sitting on the couch closest to his desk curled up in the fetal position her musket on his desk before speaking he quickly snaps again and a child's alarm clock appears in his left hand.  
"Rip my dear," she just rocks back and forth muttering "HE ATE ME" "Rippy look i got you a present.'' she peeks out and see him hold up the alarm clock (it is in the shape of a small anime style girl with cat ears with a halo and a tail.)  
''F-for me ?''  
"Yes my dear after that bastard alucard killed you i being a fan boy of yours and an author decided that you should be brought back and that you needed a new clock after he crushed your first one my dear huntress.''  
She gives a hesitant smile as he hands it to her and she looks at it carefully.  
''It kinda looks like a female version of warrant officer shrodinger?." She quietly and weakly comments.  
"Yes it does doesn't it my sweet flower"  
She now smiles more openly she asks her first actually question. "vere am i?"  
"In a place between realities or a corner of limbo i took over which ever you prefer my dear."  
She shifts slightly. "And you really like me? uh and uh whats you name?''  
Now grinning largely daeth responds taking her rigth hand in his and kissing it lightly. " Yes of course i like you mien beautiful frualien, and my name my dear sweet rip is either red or daeth but since everybody calls me daeth, why don't you call me red, m-kay?"  
Now showing a fifty-watt smile with a hint of fangs showing. "Okay red. thanks for bringing me back and for the clock. uh Did millennium win?"  
Shaking his head slowly "Sorry my dear but they did not, oh and you can stay with me as long as you want..."  
Her smile dampened a bit but glad for the chance to live with out living under the rule of a mad Nazi command she responds. "oh um OK and i think you may have trouble getting rid of me instead of the other way around." This last said with a sly smirk with just the hint of her left fang showing.

Daeth gulps looking at the sexy vampiric huntress in front of him..  
(did reddaeth (me) bite of more than he could chew is rip looking at him as a potential boyfriend or a potential meal tune in next time for the more hellsing ramblings)  
A/N Isn't it fun us authors being the ultimate marry sues in our little minds and having the ability to make our characters dance in any way we want even ourselves (in my case i am a character that is under the control of my muse serandipity and my sociopath tendencies so yaya i am a bad Mary sue i can't control what happens anymore...) so good-luck and god-bless~redDaeth


	2. Chapter 2

continued...

.."uh" Daeth slowly back away from the sexy and cute vampireic hunter "i should tell you i wrote you back to life as a full Nosferatu not a freak and this version of me i wrote for myself is a were-bear so uh i..i oh i got you a present!"

rip stops her slow stalking of him around the office "Besides ze clock?"

"yes! of course i did i told yu i am 'A FAN-BOY' to be more specific 'I AM A FAN-BOY THAT LIKES YOU'" after saying this he slowly pulled a box out from behind his back..

"Here for you." she slowly opens it she then looks shocked and picks up whats in the box "a pistol?''

"Yep a pierta flintlock double barrel side by side hunting pistol i had custom made so that it fires the same caliber as your musket its barrels are rifled and it magically reloads after two seconds if you wait ten seconds it reloads both barrels with your magic bullets you can have up to 12 of your 'bullets' in the air at once. and i had it inscribe with your saying on one barrel and a parody of it on the other."

she looks sure enough on the right barrel it said ''tinker, tailor, soldier sailor, my bullet pushinshes all with out distinction'' she looks at the other barrel and laughs in joy.. it say ''demon, angel, wraith or ghost, my shot kills all without sorrow''

"And if you like that there is a sliding bayonet under the barrels that pops out when you read both inscriptions allowing you to cut or stab you opponent and the but capp of the handle is solid blessed silver and the wood it self is blessed rose wood inlaid with gold and silver crosses and that inscription on the sid of the wood reads 'my sweet rip may you always be safe' in script using English letters and its in Gaelic."

She now is jumping up and down "danke danke danke." she runs up and sweeps him into a hug and kisses him.. when she lets go he just stands there dazed 'hu ne maaaaa hu."

"oh how CUte you are already calling me honey i can't wait for a couples hunt oooh can we go and test .. i am going to call it wulfe.. can we go test wulfe by hunting that annoying paladin and seeing if it can stop him from regenration..NOT kill him just well hold him in place and chip him with a tracker i..i have actually hunted to kill in a very long time i am actually one of Germany's first game wardens so i kinda joined the nazis to help saze animals."

"huh?" daeth answers a little dazed still seeing her blush he runs through what she just said "Oh that's awesome and of course we can chip anderson and wulfe sounds like a great name for the pistol." "oh and you do like it right i just I'm a gun nut and well seeing you like your musket i just thought you might like it and it allows you to have a backup weapon if they get to close.."

"Yes of 'course' i like hell i love it and i enjoy having you care even if i only just met you and well i can't wait to get to 'know' you better.'' This last she said with a sly smirk like grin.

''oh uh ok i i uh let go find Anderson yes yes lets find Father bayonet!"

with this declaration he snaps his finger...

THey appear in a weird dormitory like room surrounded by bunks filled with children daeth pulls out a silnced socom in 45 caliber and whisper "I forgot he runs an orphanage."

Rip looks at him strangely "You aren't going to kill the children are you?"

"WHat!? no this is a tranq gun i had custom made to look like a socom my real 45s are all custom made revolvers and 1911s!" "why did you think i was going to kill them?"

"Well you got a look that reminded me of both zorin and ze captain before a ss assassination mission."

"Oh."

TBC...

Side story: Schrodinger's revival.

Hellsing manor to be specific Seras victoria's bedroom...

"Vhat ze ell vere am i..i seem to be in a frualeins bedroom humm i vonder vhats in ze box?"

He walks to sera's coffin not realizing that it is a coffin. His curiosity get the best of him and he opens it he is struck dum looking at sera in her pjs.

"i i zink i ave died und gone to eaven dear god i i zank you for this very gut reward for my dedicated service to the nazi cause." he moves forward and leans in to kiss he as he does sh wakes up and thinking its alucard playing a trick on her she says the first thing that comes to mind "Master? why are you in my room?"

schro responds with "Mater kinky!"

this causes seras to wake all the way up "WHAT THE FUCK YOUR DEAD, HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN MY ROOM!?''

schro now realizing he is not in heaven and this is more likely one of the higher planes of hell say "uh, i zink i may be in trouble." seras pulls her pistol answer "my questions." she states as calmly as sir integra right before she shoots alucard..

"UM i don't know how i got here i rember dieing und zen i felt some one talking to rip ,she was the ony one at millenium who vas nice to me so i tried to listen in und then a bright flash of light later i found my slef here und since rip was dead i thought zis vas heaven and well in heaven i thought maybe ze boy get ze girl so i started to kiss you."

"WAIT you said that some one was talking to rip van winkle as in the musket weilding nut job from the eagle, and then you tried to float across what i think was limbo to listen in and suddenly found your self in MY ROOM..were you promptly tried to KISS ME?"

"vell yes?"

"OK. I think we had better find sir integra."...

a/n 1:TBC some time in the future i am not to sure on the side story of what might be happening due to the repercussions of my wanting to have fun with rip and hoping around messing with the hellsing realities characters and i think i'll leave coral out for a 'long' time i don't want her and rip to fight... and yes i really am a rip fan boy and i really do like the idea of serasxschro roms...

A/N2 :please review and i kinda seem to have NO CONTROL over what seri has me type for this story.. for a mary sue (or in my case gary sue)[as mentioned in chapter 1's a/n all authors are mary sues for they control both characters and reality of their story's world} i have no control so does that mean seri is a mary sue and i just her meat-puppet well no matter what i apologize for my terrible gramar and finish this note as i always do good-luck and god-bless~redDaeth


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